Big Move April 16, 2009
Posted by ds82 in Life.Tags: Girlfriend, Growth, Happy, Love
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Well, tonight I’m making a pretty big move.
In fact, as far as relationships go it’s one of the biggest moves you can make outside of getting married. My girlfriend and I, after many months of planning and deliberation, have decided to take a big step and move in together come June 1, 2009. We sign the lease tonight. I feel like I should be nervous or scared, but it’s quite the opposite. I feel very comfortable that I’m making the right decision. I know that when things are rocky she’s more than willing to communicate and work things out, and that’s all I can ask for.
This isn’t my first time shacking up with another woman. Obviously, the first one failed but I learned quite a bit about myself and I feel so much better going into it this time because I have a pretty good idea of what to expect. We were smart enough to realize that from time to time we are going to need our own space and didn’t want to feel like we lived on top of each other. Because of that, we decided we wouldn’t move into anything less than a 3 bedroom property.
Individually, I know that I still have a lot of work to do on my own and day by day I’m getting better and moving to the place I need to be. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have control. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Beyond everything I’ve mentioned so far, I love the girl and my hope is to marry her one day. Moving in is the next step in the process and I couldn’t be happier. Wish me luck!
Transformation April 13, 2009
Posted by ds82 in Life.Tags: Growth, Happy, Love, Therapy, Troubles
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Last Wednesday, I wrote about where I wanted to be one year from now. It hasn’t been a year. Hell, it hasn’t even been a week but the small changes I’m trying to make seem to be helping. Writing my goals down, both here and elsewhere, seems to really help. I guess it makes me feel more accountable for my actions.
One of the things my girlfriend suggested I work on was becoming more pro-active and less dependent on other people. I agreed 100% with her and in the few days since we’ve had that conversation I’ve done my best to take things upon myself when it came to getting things done.
I have to say, it feels good. Going out and getting instead of waiting to be told makes me feel like I have a whole new level of control that I’m not used to having. In fact, I felt so good about it I reached out to my girlfriend for further ideas of improvement she could suggest. It wasn’t even a month ago that the my mind was completely closed to change. For me to hear what she was asking of me was a big change in and of itself. But for me to seek out help on my own…that’s a big change and one I’m happy to see.
The past few days have been treating me really well. Here’s hoping the trend continues and that I keep the same enthusiasm for improvement for the rest of my life. I know there will be ups and downs, but I’m starting to see that I have a lot more control over things than I ever (cared to?) realize.
In one year… April 8, 2009
Posted by ds82 in Life.Tags: Goals, Growth, Love, Therapy, Troubles
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One of the reasons I started blogging again was because I love to write. I may not be the best, but I love writing and it’s one of the few things that actually sets my mind at ease.
I’ve had one hell of a time the last year…specifically the last 6 months. I’m not going to go into all of the things that weigh on my mind and have caused me to come to such a bad place. It’s really neither here nor there. All I can do is accept that I am where I am and do whatever I can to dig myself and get my head on straight.
I have a book that is supposed to help me get out of my funk. One of the exercises was to write down exactly what I want. When I’m done putting in all the effort to get my head right, who do I want to be? And so that’s what this post is all about… In one year, after I’ve put in my time and effort this is who I want to be:
I want to be confident. I’ve gone through life and been pretty successful despite the fact that I rarely truly believed in myself. How much better could I be if I had faith in myself to go after the things I want?
Similarly, I don’t want to be ruled by fear anymore. It’d be nice to set a goal and go after it without fear of failure. I don’t want to wonder about my potential anymore and not try just because I’m afraid I’m not good enough.
I’d like to learn to trust other people. My biggest fear in life is ending up alone and I waste a whole lot of time just waiting for people to leave instead of enjoying the time I have with them. Eventually, my fear becomes reality. The relationship I’m in now is rocky because of this exact fear. If I end up alone, so be it, but let it be because we just didn’t work, not because I killed it before it ever began.
On a related note, I’d like to learn to communicate about tough topics without panicking, losing my cool and then saying things I don’t mean. I think this is my biggest goal. I love my girlfriend, but I say some really stupid shit because I don’t know how to say what I really mean.
I want to let go of the past. I’ve got problems a decade old that I’ve never let go. It’s time to make peace with that part of my life, forgive those that need forgiven and move on.
Really, I want to live for the moment, appreciate the people in my life, and have confidence in myself to go after my goals. I’ve had a rocky start to accomplishing these goals, but I believe in time I’ll be the person I’ve set out to be. I’ll keep you posted…
-DS82
